Special Report
Dear Cecilians
It's not quite enough of the way into March yet for this to be a
March report, especially as next week is Las Fallas which is THE
event of the year in Valencia - everything closes and there is a
city-wide party for 6 days. However, the excitement has been so
thorough over the past few weeks that I feel this special report is
warranted.
First news is that this message is being typed considerably more
slowly than normal, because for reasons unknown I decided yesterday
to pick up the toaster while it was on and burned two of my fingers
quite horrifically. I have exquisite blisters right on that bit which
is 180 degrees round one's finger from the nail (can one of the
million medics tell me what it's called?). Said toaster-elevation
served no purpose and I can't fathom what the hell I was playing at.
Oh well.
Before getting to the main business, a quick aside is necessary to
divulge the events of Valentine's Day. Said event is not overly
wonderful unless you're attached, so it was with slightly heavy
heart that I made my way to Max Max (one of many Irish pubs in
Valencia - I think there were 6 at last count but there are probably
a couple of new ones since then). having been late for reasons
unremembered, I jumped in a taxi to take me there. As we drove off a
song finished on the radio, and the opening chords to "Endless Love"
sounded. Only half-conscious of the fact, I sang along with Lionel
Richie. Imagine my surprise when, in verse two, the taxi driver
joined in "as" Diana Ross! Bemused but unperturbed, we performed the
entire song. It was a touching moment.
This little performance was followed by a DJ who gave a speech along
the lines of "Valentine's day is for lovers, but a thought should be
spared for all of us who are lonely tonight. This song goes out to
all of you". Cue a dire Spanish song whose words were along the
lines of "today is Valentine's day, I've bought you a present and a
card, I've cooked you a wonderful dinner, now all I have to do is
find you. When are you going to walk into my life?" thankfully
escaped before the end of this dire nonsense.
Valentine's night was filled up mainly with meeting Paula's friends
from Nottingham, about 700 of whom have suddenly descended on the
city for the next 6 months. Paula and I were both fairly drunk, she
more so than I, and I ended up having to carry her home (much to the
horror of one of her Nottingham friends, who seemed to doubt my
intentions on Paula's innocence and kept trying to steal her away).
After that, on to the main business of the day which is of course my
trip to see Anything Goes. We begin in my flat in Valencia, all
packed and ready to go. Off to the Valencian metro, which took me to
the bus station. The bus to Barcelona was luxurious, and we watched
Titanic. At the end of the film, the girl sitting next to me began
to sing along with Celine Dion over the credits. Not to be outdone,
I cast my mind back three years or so and remembered the tenor part
of the North Lanarkshire Chorus's arrangement of "My Heart Will Go
On", and joined in with the singing. Our performance was greeted
with joy from the other passengers, and the driver responded by
turning on the radio. Fortunately every song which came on was known
to both me and my seatmate; we gave a particularly fine vocal
accompaniment to a Mexican brass band instrumental version of
"Hopelessly Devoted To You".
To Barcelona, then, and with 6 hours or so to spare before the plane
took off I decided to have a wander round. Metro from bus station to
train station, dumping luggage there, and then after some
deliberation went to the Sagrada Familia, a half-built cathedral
designed by Gaudi. Scared myself thoroughly by climbing all the way
to the top before I allowed myself to look out at the city. Back to
the train station, then got the train to the airport. Continuing the
musical-public transport theme, the train journey was accompanied
with "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". The Spanish train authorities
evidently adore the middle of this piece, because for 25 minutes we
repeatedly heard a section of it which went from about bar 17 to the end,
then cutting from the middle of the last bar to bar 17 again.
Barcelona airport proved to be fairly unexciting, except for the
presence of escalators which went up (as normal), then leveled out
for a metre or two, and then started ascending again! (obviously
there was a corresponding "down" too). As I got onto the plane I
remembered that only the week before I had foolishly gone to see
"Algo Que Contar" (literally translated, "Something to tell you",
but I think it was called "Bounce" in English), which revolves
around a plane crash. Reassured myself with the knowledge that I was
going to have a 7-hour wait in Luton airport, and in the film Ben
Affleck experiences a similar stopover and manages to pull in the
airport.
Sadly what worked with Ben didn't work quite as well for me in the airport,
but I made do with "War and Peace". The Glasgow flight 7 hours later was
similarly smooth. But the journey didn't stop there! The bus into town and
then the surreal experience of getting the underground to
uni to crash Lunch With Duthie. Except that it was noticeably
lacking in Duthie. Following on from the Adele Clone (Scary), I saw
a girl on the way into Qudos and yelled "Laura!" at her so many
times that she finally realised I must be talking to her, though
(not being Laura) this caused her to run away.
One of the parts of the trip I was most looking forward to was
meeting new Cecilians, and that process began at lunch with Faith,
Tad and Ed. Particular credence must be given to Ed for being the
only person ever who, when using the word "overly friendly" to
describe me, prefixed it with "not". Was disappointed but unsurprised that
the food in Qudos hasn't improved since I left - I have been spoiled by
having an Italian flatmate who loves cooking for the past 5 months. Friday
night was fairly quiet, given my not having slept since 11am on Thursday.
It was incredibly odd to walk into the Crawfurd theatre on Saturday as a
member of the audience. I enjoyed and was impressed by both peformances of
the show that I saw, but there was a touch of surreality to the whole
experience - watching people I knew and people I didn't know performing
together in something I would have done myself but for copyright law and
Western Europe. I sang along, though not noticeably out loud, and was taken
aback by the sudden appearance of the Cecilian Society Who Dance. Who'd have
thought it? Those who went to see West Side Story last year will be glad to
know that I was as fearless in shushing people who talked during "All
Through The Night" as I was when castigating people who laughed when Tony
got shot.
That much for the performing side of "Anything Goes". Both performances were
pretty damn good, and made me wish I was in them, which I hope is high
praise.
I must admit, though, that I am thoroughly disappointed in all of you as far
as the social side of show week is concerned. I feel that the occurrence of
a Cecilian show so completely devoid of scandal is probably due entirely to
my absence. I thought that I had taught you well enough to leave you to
create gossip and outrage - October's pub crawl was particularly promising
in that respect - but perhaps that was too high an expectation.
I am so worried about this state of affairs that I don't feel re-education
can wait until my return to the country in June/July, so I am issuing this
Emergency Training Pack, occasionally taking practical case studies from my
own current residence in Valencia as a teaching guide in...
How To Behave Scandalously And Ensure That There Is Something To Gossip
About, Particularly In A Cecilian Context.
- The two most useless things mankind has ever invented are Subtlety and a
Sense Of Shame. Dispensing with both of these is required.
- In conjunction with (1), only the weak use alcohol as an excuse. It's far
more sensible to use it as a diving-board for Scandalous Show Week Events
(SSWE).
- It only counts if you get swept away in enjoying the moment and only
realise afterwards that People Will Say We're In Love. Pre-determined acts
which seek scandal-causing on a purely administrative level are
disqualified.
- It is sensible (and indeed necessary) to maintain dormant attractions to
several people; this allows Daydream Fantasy Planning (DFP), which saves
time during show week.
- CASE STUDY 1 - GSC
The Spanish choir includes Chema (henceforth the Gorgeous Spanish Chorister,
or GSC), who is quite simply the most beautiful being ever to walk the
surface of this earth. Have so far refrained from doing anything about this
fact, but should the occasion ever present itself the time can be put to
efficient use. Much better for everyone.
- point number (4) should in no way be construed as to exclude from an SSWE
people other than those to whom dormant attraction status has been
attributed. One might say that Anything Goes.
- Not only is subtlety a poor idea generally, it is actually HARMFUL to the
production of SSWEs. Be as blatant as possible and all will be well. Ewan
Maclean bears frequent and angry witness to this fact more or less every time
he sees me (though he overestimates my abilities slightly; I do have one
"no" on my otherwise unblemished record).
- CASE STUDY 2 - OPERATION CANADA
The staff of Max Max includes a lovely Canadian named Millàn. The entire
clientele of Max Max on any given day must, I'm sure, be fully aware of my
attraction, but Millàn flirts back quite happily. NB this should be
recognised as STAGE ONE of a possible S(SW)E, not the whole event.
- Once a course of action which may lead to a SSWE is decided upon, it is
wise to allow this to begin in the most public area possible, preferably at
a point visible from any other point in the building.
- It is unnecessary to leave a party in order to embark on an SSWE. Rare
indeed is the party which does not have some corner, bathroom or cupboard
which isn't being put to any better use.
Following those simple instructions, I feel that you will be able to comport
yourselves suitably inappropriately until I get back to show you how it's
done.
And with that I had better sign off. Thank you for a wonderful show and in
particular to Kerry, for a sensational T-shirt and for obviously recognising
my innate competence as a dancing-girl (and thus an Angel) despite not even
having seen my rendition of the "Many A New Day" dance last year.
love etc
JP
PS JP is now available in a new blonde version. Happily of the three options
available - "6 washes", "6 weeks", or "forever and ever" I went with the
third option. It currently looks fairly natural, though a trifle more red
than blonde if truth be told. Gillian is proud of me and is the only person
so far to have made any joke about having more fun. Here's hoping.
